you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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