Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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