There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
