I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
