I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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