You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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