Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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