My liver just broke up with me...
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
True strength comes from lack of pants
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
