meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
