and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
