UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize