I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
