I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
