If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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