i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
