Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
