her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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