we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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