the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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