I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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