they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
