The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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