they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
