Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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