feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
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