My friends, they love my intelligence
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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