She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize