So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
