I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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