Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
When are your genitals available?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
