what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
