at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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