I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
