Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
