there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
