I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
