we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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