Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
