I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Floor bacon is actually really good
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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