My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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