my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
