Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
