I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
