Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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