Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
