Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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