im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Ketchup is God's man juice
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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