hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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