if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
