Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize