this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
