he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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