dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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