I didn't shave. On purpose
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Fuck appropriateness.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
