How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
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